After the summer break, the gossip made its rounds and everyone in class knew I had a crush on that guy, except that guy himself. This was odd. Then, a girl got closer and closer to me, we became great friends, had talks until late at night. Later I found out she just wanted to know more about him, and they finally became a couple themselves for a few years.
Most of the class hated her for her behaviour and didn't talk to her anymore. A few months ago, after not seeing her for 7 years or so, I met her in Luang Prabang, Laos, by chance….imagine that!!!
For my family, things must have started to clear up. Maybe things didn't get clear for them at all, and they got confused by the pictures of this guy next to my bed. Who knows, it’s a bit embarrassing to ask: “mum did you realise I was gay when I put up these pictures of my high school crush”?
Things never worked out, and understandably, the guy was a bit angry after he found out that I liked him months after the other classmates knew. Then, I had two quick crushes on guys from other classes. They were really cute, I remember exactly.
One guy, blond and the other guy with black hair and big brown eyes and a tiny goatee. Looking back, I think he is half-Asian, but I couldn't know. I started doing crazy stuff, like going to the blond guy’s basketball games. I somehow got the black-haired guy’s number and wrote him sms. This is the time when I got my first mobile too, at about 18.
I started getting sentimental about things. After volleyball training, I drove up to the hill and parked my car at a place with nice view. I just waited there and listened to music. Then I drove home past the black-haired guy’s home and thought of him…
Thanks to my friend and his gay friend, I also got to know gay people. He initiated a weekly meeting for young gays. We just hung out, drank some soft drinks and ate chips. That was the time when I was introduced to “gay-dom”.
I found it odd. The way people spoke, and especially the way they interacted. Everyone would just hug each other. It was really strange. The boys would just sit on the couch and cuddle.
I never took part in that. There was a couple, I remember their names. Marcel and Markus. For everyone, they were the model couple, but even they hugged everyone else.
I have no idea whether any of these people liked me, but I did like one of the guys. But I was way to shy to say anything, that guy was obviously beyond my reach, I decided.
We organised parties with this group, where the other regional groups from the whole country would meet. We were something like an early group of gay “activists” who took part in something, and that was nice.
The biggest change in my gay life came when at one of these parties, there was a little guy with a cute smile and big curly hair. He was 15 at the time and I remember my gay friend talking about “my 15-year old” all the time.
At the party, the curly boy kept being near me, even sitting on my lap. My straight friend, who came to the party with me told me: hey….he likes you, grab him. But I had no idea what he meant. Later, when I left, we exchanged numbers. I really missed him when I was home and felt deeply happy. He sent me a cute SMS and I think deep down I knew I found someone special.
Only a few weeks before that though, I went to Zurich to a gay club for the first time. I started online dating, and beside a 20+ year old model (whom I never met), this older guy fancied me. I thought, why not meeting him, since he wanted to bring me to this club.
I went to his home and he wanted to massage me. I thought, why not. Then, he asked me to remove my pants. I was not prepared to do that, and luckily some other young boy arrived to come with us. I didn't really like being out in the club. People kissed each other everywhere to greet and I found this odd. I went home early and made a mistake. The first time ever I kissed a guy was a goodbye kiss from that old guy on my mouth…ah well.
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