The Chinese Secret Service Boy – Part 5 – the goodbye that never was

I am in the plane back to Asia from farangland. These two weeks have not been what I expected at all and I left behind much more than I would have thought.
But you don’t really want to know about all the assignments that I wrote, the meetings that I had, the weather, the cultural things, the arguments with some friends and the significant group of friends that I actually just omitted and also the fact that I felt surprisingly attached to my old city (well one of them anyway).



BB saying goodbye.


Nope, this trip was surprisingly mostly about one person, mister Jacob. I know, secret service boy sounds so much cooler and I really thought he is one. He has quite a few oddities about himself and keeps quite a few things hidden and tucked away. This man is a cautious, shy and composed and steady person. And that fascinated me. A lot of Thai gays are amazingly beautiful, sexy, charming, flirty, easy to get into bed but they are also unsteady, not very interesting to talk to, impulsive and not to be bound by anyone else. That is just my opinion reflecting my experience, I think most of you will agree though. In that way, Jacob was such a refreshing change. It frustrated me immensely at the beginning that we couldn’t just go to his place, cuddle and sleep with each other – but now, looking back, this was exactly the right way to handle our relationship, whatever it is/was. And for that, I must thank him. I have long not felt such a desire to only be held, touched and smiled at. At the end, the dynamics between us was relationship-like. We went out for dinner, we went on a trip, we shared things, we poured each other tea, we discussed many, many things, we smiled and we sulked (at least me) but all without very much physical touch. These are the dynamics that a relationship consists of, even though it isn’t one. Mister Jacob isn’t a person who expresses his feelings in an overwhelming way – it’s downright cute to see how he tries to keep a straight face sometimes. I, on the other hand am a much more emotional and expressive person. Sometimes I was longing for a sign of affection – and Jacob did gave them to me, even though they were sown sparingly and they were not that obvious.
Leaving farang city, it felt like leaving behind someone very, very close. I am not saying the L- and the R-word. But I sometimes think of them. The whole thing of course was overshadowed by me only being in farang city only temporarily so the “what if-questions” do come up sometimes. The real “test” to how much this Jacob-episode meant will of course follow now. I will follow my heart and see what it says.
Finally, what really happened at the end: We met for dinner- this time at a Korean restaurant that I used to go to rather regularly. We had dinner and talked and talked. Then, we were thinking of going somewhere else but frankly, I just wanted to rest – and he wanted to rest too. So we parted with a big hug and smile. That was the last time I saw him.
We were planned to meet for coffee on the morning of my departure but my phone made a mess of my schedule and at 1am, I realised that my flight departs at 9am, not at 3pm. I called Jacob – no answer. I packed and went to bed and got up again early enough – and called Jacob again – no answer. In the plane, just before departure I got a distressed SMS – he left the phone in the living room and couldn’t hear it – and he was very very upset by this. In an outburst of emotions, he said that he really really wanted to see me for that last time and that he will miss me. That was sweet. I wanted to give him a little card to show my gratitude and affection but it had to be posted from the airport instead.