Alone in Bangkok

I warn you, this is going to be another heavy post.

I have handed in my thesis today, so far so good. I have to defend it on December 18 and then hand i'll be nearly finished. Looking for jobs now...

Actually I am not happy in Bangkok anymore right now. And I am not happy with what I have done in Bangkok during the last nearly two years. I had always thought I am a social person. I usually get along with most people and am quite chatty and I suppose also relatively friendly.

But how can it be that after 2 years of living in Bangkok I am here at home despite really wanting to go out? How can it be that in the next 2 days, I will probably speak to no person except some sales girl at 7eleven?

Well, the two most important people of my time in Bangkok, my boyfriend and bff Kawadjan are currently outside of the country. Then, other friends are busy with their parents and family over the Father's Day weekend.

But these are excuses. I have simply not made many good friends over this time in Bangkok. Time to think back.

I have started here like everyone else does. Talk to a few people on the internet and meet them when arriving here. It was actually quite funny. I arrived in Bankgok at about 1am and was in the hotel by 2am. At that time there were quite some people who wanted to meet me RIGHT NOW. Strange, but I suppose I was fresh flesh.

Then, meeting the first few friends I had made online. Most of them went from fuckbuddy to friends and into oblivion in a few days. With some, I didnt even get to friends. To be honest, I craved sex and being close to someone. I was without it for quite some months before coming here.

Just a few weeks later came the phase of thinking about potential boyfriends. I think that happens with many arrivals here in Bangkok. Although I must say I didnt make the mistake of trying to find them at DJ or at Babylon (although there are certainly nice people in both places).

I like one guy but there was a lot of drama before we were even close to a relationship. That put me off. There was another guy. We had a great time but he was too feminine and that put me off being a top sexually for the next few months. Then there was another guy who lived right next to me. We got along very well too, he slept at my place a lot and went to work in the hotel next door in the morning. Later on there was also a guy who designed baby clothes. I think we liked each other too. But it was nothing serious either. I dont know why but suddenly we didnt meet anymore. Now I lost contact with all of them, which is ok.

By that time, I had already talked a lot to my exboyfriend (at the time, now my boyfriend) who was living in Sydney. He told me he is coming to Thailand to study for a year and basically from the moment he said it I swore myself not to fall in love with anyone until he is here. I wanted to give us another chance.

So I just met people for sex. Sometimes they were friends. I dont remember so well. Some I met at 3am spontaneously, others I went out with them on quite nice dates only to stupidly suggest to "go to my place". Arrived there, we would be bored....and have sex again.

I am not sure if sex destroys friendships but anyway, that's not the point I want to make. I dont even want to think badly about myself for having sex with many people. But, in fact, I just missed out on many other vital things like making friends!

It is actually not so easy. I had a lot of classes and hung out quite a bit with my classmates. We'd always go to Siam together after class and do what Thais love to do: shopping, eat and gossip. But that is not how you make great friends either...

I made good friends with two classmates. One, a girl, lives near me and we meet up quite frequently. I was really moved recently when she invited me to her birthday party as the only outsider (outside her family). It was really nice to be part of her family.

The other one is a gay guy. We were quite close but I dont know why we never became really, really close friends. He was always too shy to ask me if I was busy. And he also lived very far from the city, and then later had a job and I assumed he was busy.

The rest (all Thais) of my class, I was just not interested. They built their own cliques and I wasnt part of that. Apart from school was where I really missed an opportunity to make friends. Just this week I met a friend again whom I met at the beginning. We have similar interests and he studies politics at Chulalongkorn too. He's really involved in NGO work and I should have really gotten involved too.

Chasing boys is really not a good past time...

I had also never met foreigners in Bangkok. How could I? I didnt get involved in anything, I didnt connect with foreigners when I went out. Heck I was even proud of only knowing Thais in the city. But of course, I hardly shared anything with them, so we didnt stay friends.

I had two Thai gay friends. With one I used to play badminton. Then he got a German boyfriend and I wanted to warn him of rushing off to Germany after knowing him for 4 weeks. He was angry at me for that and we never talked again really. We lived near each other in Sathorn and used to just meet up and get a few beers at Family Mart, sit down and talk. It was great fun.

Later, another friend also joined us for badminton. We used to go eat out together too and just talk. that was quite nice....but then things flattened down and when he just kept calling me "fattie", I once threw a badminton shuttle at him and then he didnt speak to me anymore until today.

Then, the boyfriend arrived in Thailand. We spent a lot of time obviously as we became a couple again. I shut off all contact with friends/fuckbuddies because I just simply lost interest in them. since then I have slowly started to talk to people again that I used to get along with, but it's too late now to build new friendships.

In hindsight, the big mistake was to not get involved in anything. No club, no association no nothing. Back in Switzerland, clubs form the backbone of society. Everyone is in a club. Be it the shooting club, the volleyball club, the card came club, the nature and hiking club. Here in Thailand, society is built up differently: first comes family, then comes family, and then maybe old time friends, followed by potential boyfriends and maybe new friends. You dont need to be part in clubs, because you are by default in a "club"....you are in a hierarchical position, which defines a lot of your life anyway. Of course, some people are active in things like Thai dance and music (my classmate), but that's the minority.

And so, I walked through Siam today - alone. There were thousands of people out today. Everyone seemed to have a friend or a partner with them, seemed to enjoy themselves while looking great. For the first time in a few months I actually felt ugly.

I used to walk alone through Siam at the beginning hoping that I could just be with someone or take someone home. Today, it'd not all that different except that I cant take anyone home. So in fact I am even more alone than then.

A lot of lessons to be learned from that. I hope I will learn them for my next stop.